Engagement, Deployment, and Living in the God Margin

As I type this, tears begin to sting my eyes, which is exactly why I’ve avoided writing for a while because I knew this would happen.

Each one of the words/phrases above: “engagement,” “deployment,” and “Living in the God Margin” bring a host of emotions to the table that words alone cannot justly or appropriately serve.

Since I don’t even know where to begin, I’ll simply start here:

Every good story has a certain amount of shock value to it.  From children’s literature to screen plays, twists, turns, and surprise endings catch us at every corner and keep us coming back and browsing around for more.

This October, I have lived what some may call a “great adventure,” ridden what some may term an “emotional rollercoaster,” and experienced what some may even deem a “God encounter.“ While I’m honestly still trying to sort everything out and process it all, allow me to share with you my story…

It all started on Wednesday, October 2^nd. My school (LCA) decided to place this nice little nugget of rest and relaxation called “fall break” into our school schedule. (Yes, please!)

Since my boyfriend-at-the-time and I are both from Jacksonville, we decided to take advantage of this time and make a quick trip to see our families. We traveled a good portion of the day and well into the night to get there.

The next morning, Thursday, October 3^rd, we continued to spend time with our families, with Jeff meeting some of my family for the first time. Truly, this was exactly the break/vacation we both needed at this time in our personal lives, careers, etc.

Leading up to this weekend, I had some distant clues in my mind concerning the status of Jeff and my relationship, especially in regards to moving towards engagement. A few “clues” included my dad’s name showing up on Jeff’s phone as a recently missed call, Jeff talking about proposing to me at the Liberty football games, and Jeff’s request that I “get fancy” for our date set for the night of Thursday, October 3^rd.

To counteract all these clues, quite a few buffers were in place:

1.     My sister convinced me that there are tons of “Bill Hill’s” in the world, and I shouldn’t worry about the name on Jeff’s phone. She tried to convince me that he probably knew another guy with the same name that our dad had, which I readily (and gullibly) believed.

2.     As for the Liberty game proposal, Jeff teased me about this quite regularly, actually. So much so that my prayers began to shift in the direction of God helping me to avoid going to Liberty games altogether. Something about college students and football didn’t scream life-long romance to me. (I was hoping it didn’t for him as well.)

3.     Getting fancy for our date that night should have been a big clue to me. There was no buffer in place for this one. We don’t get fancy often. Or ever, really. However, I didn’t think this through all the way as being some set-up for a proposal night. (probably because we were nowhere near the Liberty stadium, by this point)

With all said, the night started out like any other night. Jeff was staying with his sister, Vicky, who lives near the Intracoastal. I was staying with my parents, who live on the Westside of town. Due to sheer distance, traffic, and a major bridge in town being shut down (forever?), it took Jeff quite the time to get to my house to pick me up for our fancy-date-on-a-Thursday-night. That’s ok though because Hazards aren’t always prompt. (We’re getting better, though. :-) )

Once in the car, Jeff mentioned that we were going to go to the Cheesecake factory for dinner, but he forgot his wallet. Without skipping a beat, I offered to pay (since we were already running later than expected). Jeff, very quickly, added, “No. This is DATE NIGHT. We’ll just swing by Vicky’s house to get my wallet.” Plus, I hadn’t seen his family since we had gotten back to town, so it would be a good stop all-around.

Once we got to Vicky’s house, no cars were parked outside, and all the lights in the house were off. After commenting that it looked like no one was home and I was just going to stay in the car, Jeff convinced me to come inside for a moment. He led me from the front door to the backyard, where luminaries and tiki torches lighted a pathway to a sweetly-decorated table on the dock. My first thoughts surrounded the thought of dinner... Were we eating here tonight? If so, who was cooking? Neither Jeff nor I have much experience in that area. (Spoiler alert: We are attaching applications for a full-time chef on our wedding registry.)

Before I could say anything further, Jeff spoke up, “I bought you something.” On the table sat a huge box, wrapped and decorated in a yellow bow (which is my favorite color…. Love is oftentimes evidenced and traced in the smallest of details of our daily lives.) Faster than I could think about it, I began to open up the gift Jeff prepared for me. Inside this huge box was a much smaller bag. That bag then contained a small box. Inside the small box was a jewelry box. The jewelry box contained all of the love and life-long commitment of the precious, good man standing in front of me. (Not to mention, a gorgeous diamond ring that now will grace my presence all the days of my life.)

Trying to process and take in all of what was happening in that moment, Jeff asked to hold the ring, and I began to listen as he explained to me all the reasons he wanted to marry me. From the heart of the sweetest man I know came some of the most beautiful words I’ve ever heard. He complimented me. He quoted Scripture to me. He was right in the middle of it all when suddenly I had this crazy-thought, “We’re standing on a dock. What if he drops the ring into the water?! It’s dark out here. I don’t want to be scuba diving for this thing…”

So what did I do? I interrupted him. That’s right; I completely ruined the moment by asking, “Can I put on the ring now?” To which he replied, “Can I ask you first?” He then got down on one knee and asked the question I’ve longed to hear all my life, “Rosemary, it would be my great honor to love and serve you for the rest of my life. Will you marry me?” I oh-so-readily said, “Yes,” put on the ring, got engaged just-like-that to the man of my dreams who I love with all of my little heart, and promptly got teased for being a gold-digger.

We immediately shared the news with Vicky and Ricky, who were inside taking pictures through the windows the whole time. We then finished out our evening with dinner, dessert, and flashbacks to the 90s via the music-selections-of-the-night at an outside table at the Cheesecake Factory. Perfect weather. Perfect night. A perfect start to a new phase of life.

Talks and plans for a wedding began to take shape, and even a tentative wedding date was decided upon: June 21, 2014 in Jacksonville, Florida in the church where my parents were married.

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Then, not even two weeks later, Wednesday, October 16, 2013 happened.

For quite a while, Jeff and I and several, several, several others have been praying over some pending deployment orders that Jeff may/may not have to go to Afghanistan for 400 days, starting on November 18^th (his birthday). More than anything else in my life, I was oh-so-certain that these orders would be canceled. I just knew it in my heart that my prayers agreed with the heart of God. That these pending orders were a test. And this was just a time of casting all worries, cares, and concerns upon the Lord. A time of testing the waters. A time of trusting Him fully. A time of giving Him the glory when He answered all of our prayers the way we wanted Him to.

But I was wrong. My specific prayers didn’t exactly match the heart of God, in this case. Jeff received his official orders on Wednesday, October 16, 2013 for Afghanistan for 400 days, starting on November 18^th.

My mind can’t comprehend this. My heart can’t understand this. I simply don’t know how to handle it because I’ve never had to experience something like this before.

Before I go much further, let me clear this up: God is trustworthy. God is loving, and He is kind. God is sovereign. God is faithful. He is my Heavenly Daddy and wouldn’t do anything out of harm to me; but rather, performs, moves, and acts out of His deep love for me. My circumstances don’t dictate the character of my God.

God most definitely uses my circumstances, however, in how I relate to Him and grow closer to Him.

Enter: the Concept of the God Margin

A margin is that space (5 spaces, precisely) where nothing is typed on a paper. For English majors, it’s that formal space set-aside to start a new paragraph, a new thought, a new line, a new direction, etc. For many who quickly look, there’s nothing there to see. For those who look harder, there’s everything there to see.

Without the margin, new paragraphs wouldn’t be properly formed. Without the margin, new thoughts may not be properly recorded. New lines would blur into old ones, and new directions may not be attempted or forged through at all.

With the margin, the possibilities are endless. The paragraph is new. The thought is fresh. The new line is waiting to be written. The new direction is yours for the taking.

In the next couple-of-handfuls of hours, days, weeks, months, (year?) of Jeff’s deployment, I’m viewing it and labeling it as the “God Margin” in our lives. It’s a big space of unknowns for me, him, and us.  We can blast right through it, trying to type or write or add in our own details. Or we can pause, thank God for His ever-different-from-our ways, and give Him glory for the margins He places in our lives. I’m unsure what all will happen in the next chunk of time in our lives, but I am certain of this: margins always serve their purpose.

God is a God of purpose. With Him, nothing is wasted. Everything is on purpose.

I look forward to seeing what He is going to do during this time of waiting, trusting, relying, and growing in Him. May He receive the glory that is so due to His name. May we just be instruments of His praises.

As before mentioned, every good story comes with a certain amount of shock value. My October-month has definitely been an emotionally-shocking one, but I know there is value and beauty in every step of this journey. 

Besides, I would argue that a great story isn’t in the shock value. In fact, it isn’t even in the story’s ending. Every great story’s genius is found in the screen play writer. Appreciate the margins, the twists, and the turns, even if you don’t understand them. And trust the hands of the One Who’s holding and actively writing the script.

That's what I'm striving to do.

I'm constantly reminding myself of this: He’s got the whole world in His hands. And I’m certain He’s got this, too.

I wonder... have you ever had a "God Margin" in your life? ...that time and space where all of you leaves off, and all of God steps in...

If so, what did you do during that time?

Better yet, what did God do?