2012: The Trouble with Transitions

      In 2012, I reckoned with the fact that life is riddled with transitions. And, as I quickly learned, transitions are sometimes laced with troubles. And one of the main troubles with transition is this - it changes you. This year, it changed me. Though I wouldn't want to repeat 2012 and all the transition and change it brought into my life, I would be foolish to replace, dismiss, erase, or ignore it. God strategically used every-little-bit of 2012 to grow me into the woman that I am today and still learning how to be for days, weeks, months, and years to come (Lord willing).

      The following is part of a Christmas update/letter I wrote and mailed to a dear friend-of-the-past that God so graciously brought back into my life this past year. I felt it summed up the changes, challenges, and victories in 2012 in my life and the life of my family quite well. Hope you enjoy reading my words and hearing my thoughts...          

           I don’t know about you and yours, but this year has sure brought some changes to me and my family! No truer statement could be made than the fact that 2012 held some of the highest of the highs and lowest of the lows.

On a personal note, in February, my twin nephews, Abel and Dimitri, were born. And yes, they’re pretty much the light of my life. (Note: They’re not the light of my soul. Because Jesus definitely is. ) Everything about them [i.e. the way they both crawl so awkwardly and crookedly, the way Dimitri waves bye-bye and eats his avacados like they’re going out of style, the way Abel loves to stick out his tongue in every picture and rushes to ME when there is a room full of people, etc.] excites me for the possibility of motherhood one day.  (sigh)

On the professional front, in February-March, I went through a super strenuous process {6 weeks of essays, surveys, phone interviews (one of which I conducted whilst having the stomach flu, FYI), in-person interviews, and a lesson taught to a group of the rudest 6^th grade inner-city students I’ve ever encountered in my life} to teach in a world-changing charter school program called KIPP in Jacksonville, Florida. As you may already recall, it’s always been a dream of mine to teach inner-city kids, love the mess out of them, and turn their butts around for the betterment of themselves and society. (Haha, but it’s true!) After going through nearly the entire process, something in me snapped, I realized God was not in the outcome I had figured out for myself. The floodgates of disappointment (and my tears ducts) opened wide. I had no clue what God was doing, but I knew for sure what He wasn’t doing. He wasn’t allowing me to teach at KIPP, and I didn’t know why.

Still somewhat dazed and confused about the outcome of the KIPP situation, I quit my job at Liberty Christian Academy in Lynchburg, Virginia in June. I have no other way to describe it other than the fact that I felt God was longing for me to show Him I trusted Him. Even when things didn’t go my way. ESPECIALLY when things didn’t go my way. So I did. I left a school I loved, a roommate I loved, many friends that I loved, and a church I was beginning to feel truly connected with, and moved back to Jacksonville to live with my parents. Wait for it…… with no clue as to what job I may/may not have there. Thankfully, God is precise in the orchestration of the details-of-my-life department. The day I moved back to Jacksonville, I had an interview at a school in Jacksonville. Which, to make a long story of God’s faithfulness and love to me short, is the school where I am now teaching seven of the most precious, brilliant, hilarious fourth graders. Our class size may be small, but we fill up the classroom with personality. :)

Though things were starting to shape up and fall into “place” in Jacksonville, this summer was perhaps one of the lowest times in my life. The transition I was facing in reality looked much different than the one I had imagined in my mind. And some poor decision-making on my part led my heart further away from God’s heart for me in that I allowed a terrible attitude of discontentment and what physically felt like the weight of depression to overrule my perspective. On everything.

Come September, my oldest brother Will got married to Rene Schleusener. Their wedding was small and simple and oh-so-sincere. I remember the night before the wedding, the entire wedding party went out for the rehearsal dinner. At the end of the dinner, people began to spontaneously get up one-by-one and speak of how Will, Rene, or the both of them together had encouraged them, inspired them, and truly loved them at their points of life in the way that Christ does. My words fail to describe it justly now, but I know that night changed something in me. The sincerity and honesty in each of their friend’s voices touched me and made me evaluate who those “life-long” friends in my life were… and it made me miss Lynchburg and the people I loved and left there even more.

      In November, I did what every American, Christian, human, etc. does. I started making mental lists of all the things I am (and should be) thankful for. Something about being intentionally thankful seems to shift the perspective of your mind, and sometimes, it can even shift the entire direction of your life. (That sounds dramatic, doesn’t it? haha… But it’s kind of true, if you think about it. Think about it.) In November, I also began to read my Bible more and more and simple things began to pop out at me like…. I Thes. 5:18-20 “Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” Sounds simple, but this little verse was pretty much revolutionary for me… because it showed me that God’s will wasn’t in Lynchburg or any geographical place, it wasn’t in a relationship or lack of relationship, it wasn’t in a job, it wasn’t in a house that wasn’t my parent’s place, etc. It was in three simple commands. 1. Rejoicing evermore. 2. Praying without ceasing. 3. And giving thanks in everything.  (It never ceases to amaze me how I complicate things by focusing on the outward distracters, while God is always contemplating the condition of my heart.) God also did a lot of overhaul in my heart and mind and life during this time/month as well, but that story will have to be shared at another place and time...

      Now that it’s December, I wanted to share just a few things with you about Christmas – and the true reason for the season….

I know people often say that Christmas is all about giving. And while that sounds all sweet and wholesome and Hallmark-card-worthy, I feel as though I must honestly disagree. When we focus on giving, we’re truly focusing on what we can provide to others. And last time I checked, Christmas isn’t really about that at all. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Christmas is about what has been provided for us. Christmas isn’t so much all about giving as much as it’s about getting. Specifically, it’s about getting what we absolutely don’t deserve.

This Christmas, I’m reminded of the first Christmas. You know, the one where the entire world got something. That we absolutely didn’t deserve.  (psst… His name is Jesus, Christ the Lord, and He came to save us from our sins.)  I don’t deserve it, but God in His SOVEREIGNTY has graciously seen to it that it’s been given to me. I get something I don’t deserve (i.e. salvation)…and my heart is healed and my hope is restored throughout the process knowing God more and more each day. I simply can’t thank Him enough.

Now that it’s getting close to the end of the year, I must end with these thoughts: I’m unsure what all God has planned and in store for me in 2013; but based on the events of 2012 in my own life, I know I can readily say I trust Him.

He’s faithful.

He’s good.

He’s SOVEREIGN.

He does things differently than we would ever be able to think or imagine.

No, His timing doesn’t often sync with ours.

But, that’s good because His plans far outweigh and outlast ours.

For 2013, just remember: He loves us too much to not give us everything we exactly need when we exactly need it.

                                         

<3 Rosemary  

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      After writing that letter and seeing some other friends and my little sister posting blogs and notes about what they learned in 2012, I've decided to add a little to my "Christmas update/letter" and share that with you here as well.... 

      The link below will take you to a voice memo I recorded while on a road trip from Raleigh to Jacksonville early in the morning on January 1, 2013. When I recorded it, I had no intention of sharing it in its raw form. However, as I tried to take the message and put it into written words, it lost some of its authenticity. 

       If I could sum up what 2012 has taught me into two main ideas, it would be this:
             1. Be more generous with my giving (supply).
             2. Be more cautious about what I demand (take). 

       As you listen, please excuse the emotionality in the beginning. I was getting over a sickness and was honestly quite exhausted. Hopefully, you'll spare the time to listen to all 8 minutes of it.... and through listening, I pray you'll hear my heart and be encouraged, amazed, and downright awed by God and the work that only He could've done in my life this year.

p.s. In the story about my birthday, I was referring to a piece of birthday cake... don't think I made that part clear on the sound clip.